


Wishes, Worries, and What-ifs

by mjk



Category: Naruto
Genre: Angst, Dysfunctional Relationships, Light Angst
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-08-13
Updated: 2019-08-13
Packaged: 2020-08-20 13:17:52
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,253
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20228485
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/mjk/pseuds/mjk
Summary: Introspective one-shot from Shizune's point-of-view about her life.  Written from the perspective of living with a not-so-perfect parent or parent-figure.





	Wishes, Worries, and What-ifs

**Author's Note:**

> So, rewatching the series, and this just popped into my head after watching the introduction and following scenes with Shizune and Tsunade. Their dynamic just seemed so tense, and well, after thinking about it, this happened.
> 
> Also, I adore Tsunade's character, and I think she was a great leader, but she definitely needed Naruto's stubborn, sunshine self to bring her back into the light. This is mostly before that happened.
> 
> I should warn you, mentions of abusive behaviour & coping mechanisms.
> 
> Unbeta'd, fyi.

Shizune knew Tsunade wasn’t the same person as before when the raven-haired, spirited girl decided to accompany the Sannin on her journey. Tsunade was still the best medic in the land, and she personally chose Shizune to be her apprentice and assistant. Shizune was sure she’d learn so much, and she didn’t have anyone left in Konoha for her anyway. Of course, she was still nervous and a bit scared, but Shizu told herself that it was normal to feel that way when taking such a big step. She’d feel better once they were on their way, Shizune was sure of it.

And things were good, at first. Shizune learned so much, and she was certain that she’d made a good decision. After all, Tsunade was a living legend, and her Uncle Dan always had the best things to say about the powerful blonde.

But things started to change when the Sannin began drinking. At first, it was only a bottle in the evenings. The bottle soon became two, then three, then more. She’d be fine again in the morning, but Shizune learned to be quiet in the evenings. Tsunade’s temper got worse when she was drinking, and she didn’t like it when Shizu got too noisy.

They were still continuing her training during the day, so Shizu tried not to dwell on the bad things. Her training came in handy, too, when Shizu had to heal her bruises. And, it helped her understand the procedures much better! Healing small wounds felt tingly; deep bone bruises almost burned if she wasn’t careful; but broken bones felt like sandpaper was rubbing against her flesh, pain radiating outward through to her skin. She tried harder and harder to be more gentle in her work. She didn’t want to hurt her patients when she was supposed to be helping them.

Luckily for her, she was a good herbalist, and she learned quickly how to make pain-relief salves, healing ointments, and other helpful remedies. Her master of poison grew from here, and she would spend hours of her day studying up on different plant uses and how to utilize them in battle. Not that she hoped to see battle any time soon. She wasn’t even getting any training in at the moment. Tsunade hadn’t been home during the day for weeks.

Shizune knew things had gotten worse when Tsunade started to gamble during the day. Their training had completely stopped, and Tsunade’s drinking had gotten worse. Some gambling houses wouldn’t let Shizune in, so she had a harder time taking care of her caretaker, but Shizu tried so hard to stem the tide of her mentor’s destruction when she could. Shizune knew she couldn’t completely stop what was happening after a particularly bad weekend. All she’d wanted was to practice her senbon work with Tsunade. Maybe get some tips or pointers. She’d ended up in bed for two days for just asking, and they had to move on from that town before she was fully healed. Tsunade lost all of their money once again, and they didn’t have any to pay for the room they’d been renting.

Shizune soon learned to stow away ware and pocket change after one too many dinners of only cooked brown rice. At least when they had extra water and time to actually cook it. Shizu hoarded beans and pickles and other preserved foods, and she hid any ryo she managed to sneak away for when they really needed it. She sealed them into any number of nondescript scrolls in her bag, hiding them in plain sight from the Sannin. Tsunade was never one for stealth even though she was always hiding from debt-collectors, but Shizune learned well how to blend into the shadows and go unnoticed.

Sometimes, she thought about leaving, running away, but there was nowhere to go, and she didn’t have enough stores to make the journey on her own. There was no one waiting for her anyway. The only person she had left in this world was Tsunade. And she had to stay by the blonde’s side, make sure her mentor drank more than just sake, stopped gambling long enough to have a decent meal, didn’t fall fully into despair. Tsunade needed her.

Things were okay as long as Shizune remained quiet, compliant. She even grew to like brown rice. The traveling they did was something many never got to experience, and sometimes, Shizu was even happy.

But it never lasted long. She’d always have to pay attention to where they were, how much money they had left, if they had enough food and supplies, if they had a safe place to sleep that night. Shizune’s childhood and adolescence were spent in a constant state of worry. Worry if the people she loved were going to come home, worry if her guardian was going to be okay the next day, worry if they were going to have enough to eat tomorrow. She couldn’t even imagine what it felt like to not be anxious.

She tried not to think about what her days had become. Her whole life was passing her by, and she didn’t have anything much to show for it. A bag full of her mentor’s IOUs, anxiety, and crushed sense of self. Why was she still here? She’d grown up. She could leave this all behind, build a stable, boring life in a small town, but Shizu didn’t know how to even begin to get there.

Luckily, as she’d gotten older, Tsunade had calmed down a bit. Her temper still raged, she still drank like a fish and gambled the day away, but she mostly left Shizune alone. This was a nice reprieve for Shizu. One less thing to worry about.

Shizune wondered what her life would have been like if she’d never left Konoha. The ones she’d left behind seemed happy even though they’d all felt the pain of loss, too. So many of her peers had found love and acceptance, and part of her wishes she had that. Shizune doesn’t want to think about what would have happened if they hadn’t run into Jiraiya and that loud, brash, wholesome Naruto, if Tsunade hadn't been shocked back into herself.

She had the second-most important job in the village now, and she could finally see herself building the quiet, stable life she once wanted. Sure, Konoha wasn’t a quaint, little town, but it was definitely home. She felt more at peace the minute she stepped within the village walls. Shizu was so glad to be home.

Even here, though, even after coming back home, Shizune stuck by Tsunade. She didn’t know anything else at this point. Shizu was still picking up the slack, doing all the difficult, behind-the-scenes work, fulfilling her obligations and more. Not because she yearned for the perfect filing system or a completed to-do list, but because she knew it wouldn’t get done otherwise. And even though the Sannin wasn't perfect, even though Shizune wished their travels had gone differently, she'd grown to love the woman as a mother of sorts, and the old Tsunade was slowly returning to her. The longer the blonde spent in Konoha, the better she was getting. So, Shizu was determined to do her best to make Tsunade's reign as Hokage a successful one.

So, Shizune did what she could. She was the one who worked hard, who got things done, who cared and worried about everything around her.

Sometimes, though, she wished someone would care about her.


End file.
